Let's talk about what does (and doesn't) turn you on

Have you ever stopped to consider that the difficulties that arise when you can't quite keep the flame of passion burning have a scientific explanation? That not everything is quite so relative after all?
This thought will no doubt be familiar: one day, as you get older, problems around sex start to appear… But science and research can prove us wrong! Age isn't to blame – there are, in fact, several factors that can influence libido and the way we experience sex throughout our lives. So what are they?

Subjective VS objective. What is desire?

Sexual desire, arousal, libido – these arise when you're mentally and physically ready and open to sexual activity. It's your sexual appetite, and it can encompass masturbation, fantasies or sexual contact with another person. 

The definition of a happy sex life is subjective: our desires and needs differ from person to person and can change over the course of a lifetime. From people who love sex (in all its many forms) to asexual people – desire means a great many things! It's just not quite that simple: desire can also be objective, because it's shaped by biological, psychological, physical and social factors. And these can affect your sex life positively or negatively. Some factors can be changed or eliminated, while others will always be with you. And no matter how much control you have over some of them, one thing is certain: desire doesn't depend 100% on you alone!
In short: not everything is black or white – there are plenty of shades in between when it comes to subjectivity versus objectivity. Because ultimately, sex involves both the mind and the body, doesn't it?

It's important to recognise and talk about the fact that there are many external factors that can alter your desire – because only through dialogue can we break down the stigma that (still) surrounds sex education. After all, it comes down to each individual's health.

So let's take a look at some of the key factors that can influence desire and sexual health!

BIOLOGICAL FACTORS

• Age can affect desire, particularly around perimenopause and the menopause – though not for everyone.
• The menstrual cycle plays a role depending on hormone levels: many women, for instance, experience heightened arousal during ovulation and menstruation, but not all. Hormones are at work here too, because as progesterone rises (after ovulation), studies show that sexual desire declines.
• The menopause – oestrogen levels fall, leading to vaginal dryness – but there are solutions to ease the symptoms

PSYCHOSOCIAL FACTORS

How you experience arousal and sexual desire (or don't) depends on a whole host of psychological, social and cultural factors, such as attraction, emotional and physical closeness, curiosity, love or certain moral beliefs about sexuality – and many more besides. Stress, too, is a significant mental factor affecting sexual health and desire.

Beyond that, there's sexual abuse and other experiences of intimacy that can have a negative impact on desire, arousal or orgasm. Intimacy, in turn, is closely bound up with how you express your sexuality and with your sense of self-worth. 

PHYSIOLOGICAL FACTORS

These include some of the most significant external factors shown to matter for one's sex life:

• Hormonal contraception (e.g. the pill) works both negatively – some people find the side effects impair their desire – and positively: psychologically speaking, it leaves some people feeling safe and at ease
• Accidents or injuries
• Illnesses and chronic conditions (sexually transmitted infections, diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, depression, endometriosis, etc.)
• Medication (antidepressants) or surgical procedures
• Exercise, on the other hand, can have a positive effect on desire. There's good evidence that physical activity does sexual health the world of good. 

While some factors that negatively affect sexual function can't be changed, others can be tackled through changes in behaviour or with medical support: if, for example, the antidepressants you've been prescribed are having a negative effect, you can ask your doctor to adjust your treatment.

How do I know whether what I'm feeling is 'normal'?

Sexual desire is different for everyone. There's no norm when it comes to each person's interest and appetite. Desire can shift depending on factors such as stress, the medication you're taking, and other physical, emotional and lifestyle influences.

Communication counts just as much as the here and now

Maintaining a healthy sex life also means talking to your partner. Set aside time to explore desire together and to talk about sex-related topics. Help each other understand what each of you needs and wants – openly and honestly!

At the same time, it's vital to stay in the here and now: many couples look back nostalgically on the sexual experiences of their 'younger years', which isn't necessarily helpful. Instead, use those memories to find ways of enriching your desire now, in the present. You have plenty of sex education resources at your fingertips – and we're here for you! If you've any suggestions for what you'd like to read about on the blog, do get in touch!