Why Virginity Is a Unicorn

How much do you care about what other people think when you invite someone back to yours after a first date? Or perhaps you hesitate to tell your partner about your sexual desires because you're afraid of being judged?

Where does this fear actually come from?
Shame around sex and sexuality has existed for as long as the world has. And we can all feel it at some point in our lives. That's why we ought to understand more clearly where it comes from. So let's start at the beginning: with virginity.

What does virginity mean?

What actually happens after you have sex for the first time? 

Well, nothing much. You had sex.
Virginity is a social construct, not a thing (and certainly not a membrane) that you "lose". There's no seal that gets broken. Which inevitably raises the question: what exactly is virginity? 

All the more so given how confused or even unsettled we are by this (false) notion of "purity" that is almost inevitably bound up with virginity. It's a notion that can damage – and in many cases genuinely does damage – a healthy sex life and, above all, one's self-image.
And still: why? Because, medically speaking, virginity simply isn't a real physical state.


Image source: 123rf.com

Does being a virgin mean having a hymen? 

There's generally a great deal of confusion when it comes to the hymen: many people believe it completely seals off the vaginal opening. 
Medically speaking, the hymen is a thin, elastic piece of tissue that surrounds the vaginal opening. Take note: it doesn't cover the vaginal opening completely, but has an opening large enough to allow menstrual blood to flow out or a tampon to be used comfortably.
What's more, some people are born without a hymen, or with an extremely thin, barely-there one. And like any other part of the body, the hymen is different for everyone. What's important, though, is this: the hymen usually opens or "tears" during first vaginal sex – which can cause discomfort or light bleeding. But that's no hard-and-fast rule: the hymen can also tear through an accident or knock, through intense physical activity, through surgical procedures, and sometimes for no particular reason at all :))

The myth of virginity 

The absence of a hymen is therefore no indication of sexual intercourse, nor can it be proof of lost virginity. Because virginity is a social, religious and cultural construct, and in patriarchal societies it has been used as a "measuring tool" to make women easier to control. 

What's more, the very idea of bodily purity brings harm and problems of its own when it comes to a healthy sex life. Shame and sexual taboos continue to affect a large part of the world's population – physically and psychologically – and shape the choices people make in life. We still take our cue from what society or religion says – the only ones for whom virginity still matters so much that "losing" it becomes a tragedy.
 

Virginity testing 

In some cultures, the idea of virginity has even given rise to so-called "virginity tests", which are now condemned by the World Health Organization as a violation of human rights.

These tests are an extremely invasive and harmful practice: they involve examining a woman's vaginal opening to determine whether the hymen is "intact", or checking the bedsheet after intercourse for bloodstains, taken as a sign that the hymen has torn. More worrying still, some communities even punish women who don't display these signs or who refuse to undergo such tests. 

But the methods used don't merely violate the human rights of thousands of girls and women. If women have experienced physical violence, the tests can cause further pain and additional trauma, and worsen physical and psychological conditions such as anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

In recent years, UN bodies have called on these communities to put an end to violence against women and to ban any further virginity testing.

A social (and heteronormative) construct

As mentioned at the start of this article, virginity is a social, abstract construct that can shape how we perceive the reality around us. It isn't, however, anything tangible or physical. It's merely a transition between the state of not (yet) being sexually active and the moment after you've had sex for the first time. Even so, the concept can be harmful for both sexes: a boy is deemed "inexperienced" if he's a virgin, while a girl in the same situation is deemed "pure". After the first time, the boy becomes the "experienced one" – and the girl becomes immoral.

How is that supposed to be relevant or helpful for young people just beginning their sex lives?

Well, it can't be. And virginity really isn't all that important.

Besides, the way we talk about virginity tends to be heteronormative, because we picture sex between a woman and a man. That, too, is limiting, because queer people aren't accounted for.

In reality, sex takes many forms and has many expressions – some involve penetration, others don't. And claiming that "virginity" is lost only through penetrative sex simply doesn't apply to everyone.
 

Why virginity doesn't matter. 

Perhaps it's time to let go entirely of an outdated concept that adds nothing of value to humanity today. Because a healthy society promotes feminism, sexual health and sex education, and encourages inclusion, diversity and the embracing of modern, healthy attitudes towards sexuality.
Just as it should be: ultimately, we should all be free to make our own choices about sex and our bodies – without feeling shamed or constrained by a social construct.