Deflowering, or losing your virginity – EVERYTHING you need to know about your first time

Losing your virginity – or rather, your first time, because you're not actually losing anything, you're simply having a new experience – brings with it plenty of physical and emotional considerations. And because sex is a completely normal part of every woman's and every person's life, we believe conversations about starting your sex life shouldn't be taboo or avoided. Being well informed matters.

From the very first intimate encounter there's a risk of pregnancy and of contracting sexually transmitted infections. Consent and being certain that you're ready are two more things you should understand before you begin your sex life. So let's set aside all the myths and prejudices and talk openly about everything to do with virginity and first-time sex.

What is virginity?

Virginity is a unicorn – that's what we wrote in an earlier article on the Enroush blog, where we discussed virginity in detail and which we'd warmly recommend you read: HERE.

At its core, virginity is linked to sex – more precisely, to sexual experience. Since sex can mean different things to different people, virginity is also associated with a range of meanings. It's difficult to define something so subjective and rooted in social constructs. So what, ultimately, is virginity?

In some cultures it's equated with purity and morality. Yet there is nothing immoral about sex – sexual activity is a natural and healthy part of life. Other definitions claim that virginity ends with the penis entering the vagina and the tearing of the hymen. But virginity and the hymen can't be equated – the hymen isn't even an indicator of virginity, and this approach takes no account of anal or oral sex, nor of other forms of intimate contact (between same-sex partners, for example).

So how can we define virginity objectively, without tying it to morality, an organ, or our own opinions? Quite simply: we can't!

Virginity means a lack of sexual experience – but how relevant is that, really? When you had or will have your first sexual encounter is entirely your own business and changes nothing about your integrity. When you begin your sex life matters to you, because you're the one who experiences the physical and psychological effects. For anyone else it shouldn't matter at all – which rather robs the whole concept of its meaning.

Virginity in girls

Although it isn't medically accurate, girls' virginity has long been – and in some places still is – equated with an intact hymen. If the hymen is no longer intact, the girl is considered no longer a virgin. This is simply not true.

It's true that the hymen may tear, stretch or "break" during first vaginal intercourse. But it can just as easily tear from using a tampon, from intense exercise, or from everyday activities such as cycling. These are things with no sexual significance whatsoever – a change to the hymen therefore can't be a criterion for virginity.

At the same time, it's possible for the hymen not to tear during the first vaginal intercourse, but only the second or third. With other sexual practices it may remain completely untouched. In such cases there is sexual experience even though nothing about the hymen has changed – another reason why it isn't an indicator of virginity.

But what exactly is the hymen, and where does this outdated notion of it as a marker of virginity come from? Let's take a look …

The hymen – what is it? Types 

To understand better what the hymen is, let's first look at how it forms. This thin tissue, located inside the vagina near the external opening, develops while you're still in the womb.

Before the (female) foetus develops, the vagina has no opening to the outside. It's separated from the urogenital organs and closed off by a membrane. Over the course of pregnancy, as the baby develops, an opening forms in this membrane, which grows larger with each year of life and becomes elastic during puberty. This membrane is – in short – the hymen.

Just as all vulvas are different, every hymen is unique too. There are a great many types of hymen, depending on shape and elasticity – all different and all completely normal:

• Annular (crescent-shaped): considered the most common type; it surrounds the vaginal opening like a ring and, as it stretches, increasingly resembles a crescent moon.
• Cribriform: a hymen with many small openings.
• Microperforate: covers the vaginal opening almost entirely, apart from one very small opening.
• Septate: rare; here the hymen has an extra band of tissue, creating two openings rather than one.
• Imperforate (hymen imperforatus): very rare, around 1–2 cases in 1,000; here the hymen really is "intact" and completely covers the vaginal opening. This makes menstrual blood flow considerably more difficult or impossible, so surgery may be needed if it doesn't open naturally during puberty through oestrogen production.

We have another blog article in which we discuss in more detail what the hymen is. Above all, though, remember this: as a rule, the hymen is not completely closed – girls are born with a hymen that already has one or more openings, through which menstrual blood later flows.

Virginity in boys

Much as with girls, it's often assumed that a boy loses his virginity the moment he has intercourse involving vaginal penetration. But boys can experience sex in other forms too. And if virginity is equated with a lack of sexual experience, then such an experience can mean the boy is no longer a virgin, even if there was no penetration.

There's also a physical approach, which links boys' virginity to the frenulum (the band of tissue beneath the foreskin). Ultimately, though, virginity is a subjective detail – and that applies equally to girls and boys.

The frenulum – what is it?

Colloquially known as the "banjo string", the frenulum is an elastic piece of tissue located beneath the glans, connecting its underside to the lower foreskin. It's a fine band that allows the foreskin to be drawn back.

In terms of virginity, you might think of the frenulum in boys as the counterpart to the hymen in girls. Because, like the hymen, the frenulum often tears during early sexual encounters – particularly if it's very short.

So boys are faced with the same prejudice: that they're no longer virgins once the frenulum has torn. The truth, however, is that it can tear for many reasons, even spontaneously. It can equally tear from stretching during masturbation.

The first time and its emotional impact 

First-time sex is a special and unforgettable moment – for girls and boys alike. It's usually full of emotions and expectations which are sometimes unrealistic, especially in adolescence.

Curiosity, desire, restlessness, excitement – all of these are entirely normal feelings around your first time, as is the hope for a lovely experience, perhaps even a first orgasm. What matters, though, is also having realistic expectations alongside them.

For girls, the first encounter can be less pleasant, since the tearing of the hymen may be painful and, in around 50% of cases, accompanied by bleeding – particularly if it's very firm. For boys, intense emotions can make it harder to get an erection or trigger premature ejaculation.

First-time sex often isn't the best. All of this is normal, and you should know about it beforehand. Otherwise you might feel disappointed, rejected, or not want another sexual encounter – precisely because the first time has such a powerful emotional impact.

That's why it's recommended that your first time isn't just about physical contact. Rather, you should both be emotionally involved and want a lovely, pleasant experience.

Contraception and protection during first-time sex

Right from your first time, it's essential to be aware of the risks. Whether you're a virgin or not, every sexual encounter – including the first – can lead to pregnancy or to contracting a sexually transmitted infection if your partner is infected. That's why it's important that you both protect yourselves from that very first intimate encounter.

The condom is one of the most readily available methods and prevents both pregnancy and the transmission of infections. But there are many other contraceptive methods you can use to prevent an unwanted pregnancy – HERE we've set out each one, how it works and how effective it is. One of them is the contraceptive pill, which won't, however, protect you against sexually transmitted infections. For that you still need a barrier method.

If unprotected sex does happen, don't panic. The morning-after pill is a form of emergency contraception developed precisely for such unforeseen situations, to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.

It is NOT, however, a long-term solution, and contrary to some myths about the morning-after pill, one dose doesn't protect you for an entire menstrual cycle – only for a single act of intercourse. It also doesn't prevent you contracting sexually transmitted infections. So use it only in an emergency to prevent an unwanted pregnancy, and then choose another method of protection.

Myths about the first time

Top of the list of myths about girls' first time is undoubtedly this one: "If your hymen isn't intact, you're no longer a virgin."

As already mentioned, anatomically speaking no hymen is truly "intact" – it isn't a seal, and from birth there is one or more openings, which continue to grow larger. What's more, the hymen can tear through entirely ordinary activities and is therefore in no way a sign of virginity or its loss.

But alongside this, other myths about the first time are still doing the rounds:

• "Bleeding after intercourse means you were a virgin": this myth rests on the idea that the tearing of the hymen is always accompanied by bleeding. That's false, because every hymen is unique. Statistically, bleeding occurs in only around 50% of cases. There are also very elastic hymens that neither tear nor bleed during the first few encounters, but only the third time or even later – so it has nothing to do with losing your virginity.
• "Using tampons can cause you to lose your virginity": virginity is about sexual experience; tampons are about menstrual hygiene.  Yes, they can stretch the hymen a little, but that doesn't affect your virginity. Menstruation and tampon use have no sexual significance whatsoever – so it's impossible to "lose" your virginity simply by using a tampon.
• "A doctor can determine whether you're still a virgin and issue a virginity certificate": virginity is not a medical condition, and this practice has been banned both by the UN and in many countries, including the UK. A doctor cannot tell from examining the hymen alone whether a young woman has begun her sex life. The practice is intrusive, unfounded and can be psychologically damaging.
• "Your partner will be able to tell whether you were a virgin": if even a specialist can't determine this, how could your partner? Virginity is personal information, and nobody but you can know what sexual experiences you've had.
• "After your first time your hips get wider": there is no connection whatsoever between starting your sex life and changes to your body shape. The growth of breasts and hips, along with all other anatomical changes, is normal during puberty and influenced by numerous factors – first-time sex isn't one of them.

Frequently asked questions about losing your virginity 

We know: you've heard an awful lot about virginity – from all sides. Myths, advice, rumours, divided opinions. All of it can be confusing, and we're sure you still have plenty of questions. Below we answer the most common uncertainties around first-time sex:

How painful is the first time?

Every experience is unique. Your first time may be painful, pleasant, or a mixture of both. Pain and bleeding are most likely when the hymen is stretched and tears.

A certain amount of discomfort is normal. If the pain is severe, however, talk to your partner. There's no shame in slowing down or stopping. There are many causes of pain during sex that have nothing to do with the stretching of the hymen – so do read our article HERE to learn about other possible causes.

Is there a "right" age at which to lose your virginity? 

There is no "ideal" age at which you "must" lose your virginity. Everyone decides for themselves when they're ready, and first-time sex should only happen when you genuinely want it to. Some people choose never to have sex – and that decision is perfectly fine too.

What does consent mean in first-time sex and why does it matter so much?

Consent means a shared agreement between both partners who want to be sexually intimate with one another. In practice, that means: both of them want it. It's very important that this consent is clearly communicated and expressed verbally, so there's no uncertainty about agreement and both people's boundaries are understood and respected.

Does the first time always involve bleeding?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. For some girls, the tearing and stretching of the hymen during first-time sex is accompanied by bleeding. Others are born with a very elastic or barely present hymen – for them, it's completely normal not to bleed the first time.

How will you feel after your first time?

Physically, you may feel some mild discomfort after first-time sex. But there are also girls who have a pleasant, pain-free experience.

Psychologically, the first time leaves a powerful impression – they say you'll never forget it. That's precisely why it matters that you experience it with the right person: someone with whom you feel safe and to whom you have an emotional connection.

Can you get pregnant from your first time?

Yes, any unprotected sexual encounter can lead to pregnancy. So always protect yourself – whether with a condom, the contraceptive pill or other contraceptive methods.