Everything You Need to Know About Sexual Foreplay

Shall we agree from the outset that there's no perfect recipe for sexual foreplay? Like any other recipe, this one can be adapted to suit each individual's tastes. Whether you need just a few minutes or several dozen, whether it begins long before you reach the bedroom or only once you're in bed, whether sex toys are involved or not — it all varies from couple to couple.

What is certain is this: the purpose of foreplay is to generate arousal and prepare your body for intercourse. And naturally, that happens differently for every woman. Equally certain is that foreplay matters a great deal, and that sex without it may not feel as good or as comfortable — physically or emotionally. So let's talk about what foreplay is, why we need it, and how it works.

What sexual foreplay is

Any kind of sexual activity you share with your partner before intercourse, any form of erotic stimulation that precedes penetration, can be considered sexual foreplay.

Essentially, it's any activity that brings you closer together and helps you connect with your partner physically, but above all psychologically and emotionally, in order to prepare for the next step. We'll come to how that works and which activities are involved shortly.

This doesn't mean foreplay must inevitably lead to penetrative sex — but to get a better sense of what it's about, you can think of it as a kind of "warm-up" before the main event.

Why sexual foreplay matters

Because it involves a range of physical and psychological stimuli, foreplay triggers responses — again on both levels, physical and psychological — in both partners' bodies. These responses help you relax, feel more at ease in each other's company and reach a state of arousal, so that sexual activity is as pleasurable as possible, and feels that way too.

Psychologically

First of all, sexual foreplay helps build emotional intimacy. You connect better with your partner, feel closer to them, and inhibitions lose their intensity. And because foreplay often begins outside the bedroom, with sexual tension building before there's any touching or physical contact at all, it can even strengthen your bond with your partner beyond intimate settings.

What's more, the more tense you are and the more your mind is preoccupied with other problems, the less you're able to enjoy the sensations and stimuli of intercourse. On a psychological level, then, one of foreplay's aims is to help you shift your focus towards pleasure and align your mindset with intimacy. In practical terms: being present in the here and now and genuinely enjoying what you're doing with your partner.

Physically

As lovely and exciting as spontaneous sex sounds, it may not be a good idea in the long run if you're constantly skipping foreplay and thereby missing the chance to prepare for what's to come. Because foreplay also triggers physical responses that are important for a comfortable experience — particularly where penetration is involved.

In short: during foreplay the intimate areas become receptive to touch, so that it feels good — thanks to responses such as:

• an increase in heart rate and pulse
• dilation of the blood vessels, including in the genital area
• increased blood flow to the genitals
• natural vaginal lubrication, which helps prevent pain and can make intercourse more pleasurable
• the release of feel-good hormones (serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin)

How sexual foreplay works in a relationship

Differently — that would be the short answer. More precisely: foreplay works differently in every relationship, because everyone likes different things and each person may enjoy various activities or ideas more or less.

That's why you should never assume you know exactly what your partner likes — no matter how much other experience you've had. At the same time, you shouldn't expect your partner to simply know exactly what you do and don't like. That's a pressure that hinders your enjoyment of intimacy more than it helps. The type and intensity of touch, erogenous zones, the presence or absence of words, of toys, and so on — all these preferences differ from person to person and can't simply be guessed.

This is precisely why open communication is always a good idea: discussing with your partner beforehand what works for you and what doesn't, what you want and what you don't. It's just as important to listen to their wishes and, ultimately, to find common ground so that everything feels good and right for both of you.

How long should foreplay last?

Looking at the research, the statistics suggest around 11 minutes for men and 13 minutes for women. But how realistic is that duration when you measure it against your own needs?

Since every experience of foreplay differs depending on the relationship and the partners involved, so too does its duration. It's not a ceremony or a fixed ritual that has to begin at point X and finish at point Y according to a schedule. Quite the opposite: when the focus is on pleasure and enjoyment, your sense of time all but disappears.

So for one couple, ideal foreplay might last at least 30 minutes, while another relationship prefers an hour and another no more than 10 minutes. In fact, the length of foreplay can vary within the same relationship from one sexual encounter to the next — depending on how much time your body needs to build desire and feel ready.

Men and sexual foreplay

Contrary to popular belief, men need foreplay too. They also have everyday worries, they also experience day-to-day stress, their minds can also be elsewhere. And on a psychological level, foreplay can help them too to shift their attention to the present moment and to more sensual activities.

It's true that men respond to visual stimuli and tend to become aroused more quickly, and to enjoy intercourse and reach climax in a shorter time, whereas women may need more time for the whole process.

But that's not a rule, and pre-sex stimulation can also help him feel more comfortable with an erection, shed inhibitions and experience greater pleasure when it comes to sex. Beyond that, foreplay can even influence the volume of seminal fluid released at ejaculation.

Women and sexual foreplay

As mentioned: men can think about sex or see a sensual image and already get an erection. This kind of rapid arousal is possible in women, but less likely.

Generally speaking, women need more time to prepare both body and mind for sex — to reach the level of arousal required for intercourse to feel good and for orgasm to become possible. That's why foreplay can sometimes be more important and more special for you than for your partner.

On a physical level, foreplay is all the more important for women because it encourages natural vaginal lubrication. Not only does this increase comfort and pleasure during intercourse — without lubrication, penetrating a dry vagina can be uncomfortable and painful, and can cause small injuries inside the vagina, which in turn raises the risk of infection.

How to experience sexual foreplay with your partner

Sexual foreplay looks different in every relationship. It can include erotic and non-erotic activities alike, ranging from flirting, kissing and touching to role play and mind games.

So depending on your interests and preferences, foreplay can mean all sorts of things, for example:

Inviting your partner to dance

Ideally to something that brings you physically closer. Dancing is an excellent way to move smoothly from a non-erotic activity to intimate touching. Slow dances or Latin American styles can really turn up the heat, because they require constant physical contact.

Giving your partner a sensual massage

Or the other way round: receiving a massage from your partner. You can even use special oils to help you relax more deeply. According to experts, a massage involving sensual touch can create a deeper bond between partners. It also stimulates circulation, warms the body and calms it, while arousal gradually builds and prepares you for intercourse.

Talking to your partner about your sexual desires

As already mentioned, talking with your partner is the key to the best possible foreplay and sexual experience. Rather than leaving your partner fumbling in the dark, trying to guess what you expect him to know, tell him and help him work out what you want, what you like and what you'd like to experience together.

It's frustrating for both of you to spend time on things you don't enjoy — open communication helps you get to know each other better and grow even closer.

Bathing or showering together

Showering or bathing together can be an excellent way to strengthen your bond or reconnect. While the warm water helps relax your muscles, the intimacy and sense of vulnerability in the shower or bath can bring you closer physically and emotionally.

To turn this into foreplay, lighting scented candles or playing romantic music in the background can be a good idea. That sets the mood for whatever sensual activities come next — perhaps a massage to extend the foreplay if you want to draw it out with your partner, or intercourse itself.

What is NOT a good idea, however, is using bubble bath or perfumed shower gels. As lovely as it may look and as tempting as it may be, there's a real chance that a product like this will ruin all your plans. That's because the fragrances, parabens or other chemicals these products may contain can trigger allergic reactions in the intimate area, including itching, redness or irritation. And instead of focusing on pleasure and touch, your attention shifts to the discomfort and finding a remedy.

If you'd like to use a wash, we always recommend a natural one, such as the Enroush intimate gel. It's made with 95% natural ingredients and contains no fragrances or other chemicals, so your vaginal pH stays protected and your intimate balance remains intact.

Watching a film together

Whichever film you like. If the intention and the sexual tension are there, the opportunity will arise for things to take a romantic turn — whatever the genre.

Of course, a romantic or erotic film can set the mood more quickly and more appropriately, but other genres also give you the chance to get closer to your partner — with a bit of added adrenaline.

With a suspenseful film, a thriller or a horror, for instance, you can hide in each other's arms and use the tense scenes as an excuse to get physically closer. With sci-fi or fantasy, you can let your imagination run wild and explore new ideas.

And ultimately, whatever the subject or genre, you can simply relax, switch off from other worries and turn your attention to the present moment and to your partner.

Exploring toys and activities

Back to the basic idea of foreplay: it's about building your sexual desire and helping you reach arousal and natural lubrication. Thanks to their potential to stimulate your erogenous zones, sex toys and other sexual activities for couples can be genuine allies during foreplay.

Although they're often associated with masturbation, toys can serve both partners' pleasure and ignite passion more intensely in both of you, because you're discovering new sensations and experiences together. So try a vibrator on a low setting while you're kissing, or a role play you haven't attempted yet, to find out what works as foreplay and what turns you on.

What effect sexual foreplay has on a relationship

I've already told you above how foreplay works within a relationship, physically and psychologically. By bringing partners closer on an intimate level, it has the following effects:

• it strengthens the connection between partners in the relationship;
• it helps partners get to know themselves and each other better;
• it increases both partners' pleasure during intercourse and, with it, satisfaction within the relationship;
• it triggers the release of hormones that make your bond even stronger (kissing, for example, releases serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin — the hormones associated with pleasure, which reduce stress and allow you to switch off from everyday pressures so you can concentrate on feeling good).

This is why sexologists advise couples not to skip foreplay — not even when time is short. While it may be fine occasionally, going without this stage shouldn't become a habit in the relationship, because otherwise partners miss the chance to maintain their psychological closeness.

Myths about sexual foreplay

To round off our conversation about foreplay, let's finish by dispelling some of the myths you hear most often on this subject:

• "Partners who turn down foreplay do so out of laziness or selfishness": that's a serious accusation, or even a form of shaming, and it usually doesn't reflect reality. In fact, it's far more likely that a lack of self-confidence or sexual experience is the reason a partner doesn't consider foreplay. So a better idea than labelling would be to discuss this aspect in a positive, non-judgemental way — all the more so if it's important to you and an essential step towards orgasm.
• "Sex should be relaxed and require no effort at all, so foreplay is unnecessary": foreplay is useful, because it helps maintain intimacy and connection between partners — even when life throws up various challenges or problems.
• "Foreplay must last at least 30 minutes": any "rule" about the ideal duration of foreplay is a myth. Different couples need different amounts of time for foreplay at different stages of life. Every sensual experience is unique, and there's no perfect fixed duration.
• "Men don't need or want foreplay": touch and sensuality aren't just for women — many men prefer some form of physical and/or psychological stimulation before getting an erection and beginning intercourse.

Take everything we've discussed so far into account, apply it to your own relationship, and be open in your conversations and discoveries with your partner until you've found the dynamic that suits you both.

And remember: the only rule there is, and the one that always applies to every instance of foreplay and every sexual activity, is consent. When that's given on both sides, there's no other limit — and you're free to let your creativity and your desires run wild as you enjoy pleasure and intimacy together.